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Joke of the day, Quote of the day.

Once upon a time, and far-far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio The Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 Gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme and would pay when it was proven.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder which he quickly put into his mouth.

For the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh, just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.




Pay your bills.

 


SlowNA06 said:
Once upon a time, and far-far away, lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them.
..

.
.
.

Pay your bills.
Click to expand...

More like, "Don't **** around with a married woman, you may end up sucking the husband's cock". Lol
 
Difficult to say when drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
 


Something for your reading pleasure!
　
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

　
Dear Twilight Fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
　
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a *****.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
　
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two
friends?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
　
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
　
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just
saying...
Sincerely,
Google
　
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle
　
Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack
　
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
　
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
　
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed
　
Dear Michael Jackson,
You really should have become a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great,
but
the benefits....
Sincerely,
The Pope
　
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder
　
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people
　
Dear Mary,
Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of
hand.
Sincerely,
Joseph
　
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States
　
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere
　
Dear Anne Frank,
Two can play this game....
Sincerely,
Waldo
　
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
　
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
　
Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore
　
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
　
Dear Mr. Gump
WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that
tells
you EXACTLY what you're gonna get....
Sincerely, Jenny
　
Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely,
Justin Beiber

Dear Haiti ,
Is it too early to ask what's shakin'?
Sincerely,
Seriously Going To Hell

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream....
What
now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo Di Caprio
　
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because
some
Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
　
Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka
　
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
　
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You
piece of
shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

(FOR HALLIE)
Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified
　
Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was
here
first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper
　
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
 


A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then
ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come
back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could
really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
university!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad
Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you
know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, ?potentially?, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars...but ?realistically?, we're living with two hookers and
a queer.
 
Haven't seen this thread in a while and a couple of you cats look a bit down in the mouth. Cheer the f*ck up!
-----
My nosy neighbour popped his head over the fence and said, "How did your trip to Amsterdam go?"

I said, "It was ok. I smoked loads of weed. Met a beautiful woman. Fantastic figure, intelligent, and a great personality. In fact she reminded me of your wife a bit."

He laughed and said, "Which bit?"

I said, "The bit where she charges for sex."
 
This guy walks into a bar orders a beer and starts talking with the bartender. Suddenly he notices one of those huge Pickle jars sitting on the back of the bar filled with 50 dollar bills. He asks the bartender " that's not your tip jar is it?". The bartender tells him "Lord no man, that's the bar bet jar." Intrigued the guy asks him, "so what's the bet?" The bartender tels him "Well, you see that bouncer over there?" pointing to a huge 6'8" 320 bear of a man, "You gotta be able to whip his ass.". With that the guy throws a 50 on the counter and say's "I'm in!!". The bartender says "Whoa buddy that's just the first part of the bet, there are two more parts." The guy says "Two more parts? What are they?" Well the bartender goes on to explain that he has a rotweiller back in the broom closet with a bad tooth and it needs to be pulled, "That's the meanest damn dog you've ever seen son" he tells him. With that the guy throws his 50 back on the bar and says "No problem!". The bartender reminds him it's a three part bet and that the last part would be the hardest, he tells him " I have an 88 year old nymphomaniac upstairs and you can't come back down until she is pleased." The guy sits there for a second staring at the jar of money and says" how much do figure is in that jar" The bartender tells him "At least 20,000 bucks, Many men have tried but nobody has been able to even come close" The guy tells the bartender to give him a bottle of tequila, he sits there drinking shots for about an hour, gets up slams his money back on the bar and tells the bartender, "Watch this SH!T buddy!!!" With that he walks over and taps the bouncer on the shoulder, the bouncer turns around and WHACK, one punch and the bouncer was out cold. The guy walks back over to the bar takes another shot of tequila and heads into the broom closet. As soon as the door is closed you can hear that dog tearing that guy from asshole to elbow, he's screaming, the dogs growling, barking, and obviously biting the hell out of him, suddenly there's a yelp and the broom closet door opens up, the guys stumbles out, clothes ripped to hell, bite marks everywhere and blood soaking his clothes, the dog following him acting like a happy little puppy now, he makes it to the bar, takes another shot of tequila and says to the bartender " Now where's the old Biotch that needs her tooth pulled at?"
 


THE LETTER​
Christopher and Heather XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXBoone, NC 28607Dear Mr. and Mrs. XXXXXWe are writing to you as members of the EvergreenHomeowner’s Association about a concern that hasoccupied all our minds since you moved into this​
neighborhood. We are a congregate group of good
Christian and God fearing people. The display you haveset up on the outer section of your lot has us a bitconcerned as the statue appears to be a type of Paganworshipping symbol, unlike the other lawn decorations inour neighborhood. Shirley Whitley, a neighbor of yourssays that this is a Satanic being and that you may beinvolved in the Occult. We have all noticed strange goingson around the neighborhood. There are flashing lights inthe sky and numerous dead animals in the road. Weunderstand that you are a homeowner, but if you will readyour declaration of restrictions, obscene or vulgar displayson your property are not allowed. We insist that youremove this questionable display at once. Our children arenot to be influenced by Devil worship and deviantbehavior.Ardna Tyne​
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association

THE RESPONSE​
June 16, 2002Dear Ardna (IF that’s your real name),I am addressing the issue of my Gargoyle which thebenevolent homeowners association seems to take offenseto.I will NOT be removing my Gargoyle any time soon. AGargoyle is an ancient protector of property, and can beseen all over Europe in the architectural structure. I guessthe homeowners association hasn’t gotten to them yet. MyGargoyle basically looks like a puppy with wings. Does thisfrighten you? I can only imagine you screaming in fearwhen the Snuggles fabric softener bear is speaking to you​
through your evil television set.
I would like to file a formal complaint about several yardsin the neighborhood. The guy down at 152 has grassthat’s over two feet tall. What’s he growing in there? Thewoman at 138 has a saddle and stirrups decorating hermailbox. What is that all about? I, for one, am not acowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the​
cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy
was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, hedied. Was that fair? I find cowboys to be highly offensive.Don’t get me started on the pink flamingos in the Whitleyyard.As for the flashes of light in the sky, that’s lightning, youidiot. Have you noticed at about the same time the wickedsky lights are flashing, there are evil drops of liquid fallingfrom the sky? We are in a drought. I would think rainwould make you thankful.As far as the dead animals go, you idiots don’t know howto drive on the winding mountain roads. That is calledROADKILL. If you will notice, these are squirrels andrabbits that just walk in front of you as you drive downthe mountain with your retired tunnelvisionist eyes glaringstraight ahead.We live at the top of this mountain. Your friends andneighbors cannot even see my house for all the treessurrounding it, so there is no need for you to freak outover my lawn stuff. I will not be moving things, so takewhatever action you feel is necessary.See you in hell,Love,​
Chris XXXXX
Chris has promised to keep us updated on any furtherdevelopments which, I predict, will include torches,pitchforks, and boiling oil in the dead of night. Staytuned...​
And, as promised, further developments!
LETTER TWO​
Christopher and Heather XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX:XBoone, NC 28607October 25, 2002​
Dear Mr .and Mrs. XXXXX
We are writing to you again, not on the issue of yourgargoyle, which you are determined not to remove fromdisplay in our neighborhood, but on the issue of yourChristmas lights.Are you aware that it is not yet November? Youapparently put up Christmas lights the second week ofthis month and insist on plugging them in nightly. We canall see your glowing display late into the night over themountain horizon. It is keeping several of us awake atnight and we do not appreciate such flagrant nonadherenceto the Association rules. Page six of yourHomeowner's Association guidelines specifically statesthat the neighborhood shall remain seasonal, with holidaydisplays not to be presented in a period greater than twoweeks prior or after said holiday.Your lights are a distraction to visitors. An acquaintancewho works at Boone Airport has said that your lights areobnoxious and a turn-off to visitors who land at theairport. If this is an attempt to retaliate against us for thegargoyle incident, we are becoming increasingly annoyedwith your behavior. Legal action may be necessary toeither A) force you to move out of ouronce peaceful neighborhood or B) obtain a court orderedfine for your continuing defiance of our rules and​
regulations.
If you think we will back down on this issue, as we did onthe issue of your gargoyle, you are sadly mistaken.In addition, we are disturbed by the constant removal oftrees from your property. Sunday morning is not a propertime for you to operate your chainsaw. Our communityprides itself on the beautiful forestry that surround ourneighborhood and we are determined to stop you fromruining the scenery. Please leave our trees alone!Ardna Tyne​
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association

RESPONSE TWO​
November 4, 2002
Dear Ardna (I just can't believe that is your name),I AM aware of the date. If this neighborhood is like thelast one I lived in, you will not be putting up lights at all,no matter what the date is. The last neighborhood, I wasthe only house on the street to put up lights, as it isSiberian-like weather here in December, perhaps thereason no one puts up lights.Why do you care that my lights are up? Again, I live at thetop of the mountain and nobody can even see my house.If it keeps you awake at night, close your freakin' windowsand quit peering out them like Mrs. Kravitz. I am not uphere for your amusement. If you want a show, I will be Iglad to give you one on New Year' s Eve, otherwise, QUITLOOKIN' MY WAY .I will not be taking down my lights because of your meeklittle letter, as it took me 10 days to put them all up. Pagesix of the guidelines also is the reference page that mygargoyle fell into. I am officially tearing page six out of myguidelines and wiping my ass with it. I will then post it tothe tree nearest my mailbox for all your visitors to see.Feel free to take it down and examine it or use it asevidence against my in your little lawsuit.Did someone really fly into Boone International Airport?Did they really complain about my lights? If so, then Iobtained my goal. Someone noticed my lights and I gavethe one person who flies into that parking lot something to​
go home and tell their friends about. Why did you back off
on my gargoyle? Did someone tell you your letter to me,coming off as an inbred Christian fanatic was posted allover the internet, and read by many, many people? I gotmore feedback from people I don't even know telling meto sue YOU for civil rights violations than you would know.As for the trees I plunked down $140,000.00 for thishouse and the acre of property that goes with it. Theseare MY trees, and I couldn't give a rat's ass about whatyou think about me cutting them down. Aren't you inchurch on Sunday Morning, rescuing the world fromgargoyle-bearing heathens? The way I see it, this is theBEST time for me to cut down my trees. There are over​
300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I
wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, mygargoyle and my feces smeared page six of theHomeowner's Association rules and regulations nailed tothe one tree I will leave standing.Oh, and I'm not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.As always, love,Chris XXXXX​
The Satan loving, electricity burning tree killer


 
I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few drinks.
I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them screamed, "It's Wales you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"
That's all I remember.
 
my buddy showed me this a while ago, after seeing this thread I thought I would share it

evilgirls.jpg
 
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