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Joke of the day, Quote of the day.

Funny thread :D I have some:

What is the biggest lie in the world?
"I have read and agree to the Terms of Service"


Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.


Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side.


An Irishman walks out of a bar.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


Yo momma's so fat, she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
 


You both fail at humor. I facepalmed to both of your attempted jokes. Infact the whole of everyone who has now read your two jokes in this thread are 10% dumber for having read them. I congratulate you sir's, your both morons


:th_laugh-pointup:

:th_jester: I joke I joke, I kid I kid.... but seriously :th_shakinghead1:
 


Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota
(that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).


He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls....the cow farts.
Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'
 
three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.

He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three ******* years I've spent learning to swim with my ******* ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me"
 


I can beat that.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all racing in the 50 yd breaststroke. The brunette finishes first, followed closely by the redhead, but the blonde is still flopping around near the starting block. Finally someone jumps in and pulls her out. She says, "I think the others cheated. They were using their arms."
 
big burly tattoed biking is riding over a bridge and notices a beautiful woman about to jump off. he pulls up and calls her over, " come here girl, why are you going to jump and waste a body like that". girl comes over head hanging down and the biker says, " common give me a kiss" they lock lips and passionately kiss. " wow, besides the body you have kissing going for you" the biker says. "now tell me why you want to kill yourself, what can be that bad that you want to put all this to waste" says the biker. " my dad always get mad at me when I dress up like a girl"
 
Jill goes home one night with a guy she meets at the clubs. He is tall, super hot and seems differnt from most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill cant help but to notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom shelf are small teddy bears all lined up next to each other. The middle have medium sized bears all lined up beside each other. And finally the top shelf has all large teddy bears lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is very sintimental and sweet, and isnt afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she wants to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blow job, lets him pound the **** outta her, and even takes it up the a##. In the morning she slowly gets dressed, smiles at him and asks how was that?
He nods and says, not too fuc### bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the middle shelf.
 
A wife was dying with her husband by her side.
She said in a tired voice, theres something I must confess.
He says, Shhhhh theres nothing to confess, everythings alright.
The wife says, no I must die in peace, I fuc### your brother, your best friend, his best friend, and your father.
The husband says I know, thats why I poisoned your ass, now close your eyes and die bit##.
 


^^^
33xzlhg.jpg

funny sh!t
 
No pen=no notes
No notes=no study
No study=fail
Fail=no diploma
No diploma=no money
No money=no food
No food=you get skinny
Get skinny=get ugly
Get ugly=no love
No love=no marriage
No marriage=no children
No children= all alone
All alone=depression
Depression= sickness
Sickness= death

Dont lose your pen or you will die
 
I can mathematically prove that if you study, you will fail.

Study = No fail
No study = fail
Study + No study = Fail + No fail
Study(1+No) = Fail(1+No)
Study = Fail
 
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