Am I doing the right thing?

[SlowM90]

Okay, this is not really a rant...more of a vent and very serious! Most the people on this site I would call a friend! So...I need your guys opinions please! My cousin started working full time when she was 16yrs old..She had perfect grades and now is almost done with her first year in college...Well..In Dec08 she started talking to a guy. One time she was talking to him and she hung up and was like OMG! I can't believe him! I asked her what did he say?! She said he said I was fat!! Now..my cousin is a bigger girl but she is SOO pretty and she is the type you say "O your so pretty" she says Ya I know! She accepts her body! Well she still talked to the guy and most the time she was talking to him it was her getting mad and hanging up on him. Well in Jan09 he came down and actually met her! (she met him online he lives 1hr away) Well he didn't say much..he kinda had this strange vibe about him. Well...they started dating..Since she has been dating him she has stopped eating (she says she eats but her sister says otherwise!) she has been walking and pushing her self to the point she almost passes out! She no longer has a job..I asked her why she lef her job she said It was to hard going to school and working..I told her it was strange how she was doing just fine for over 2yrs..but now its hard?! Well him and her are ALWAYS broke up! He got mad at her because someone called her cellphone WRONG number and he called it back and it was a guy so he BROKE her phone! He burnt a necklace one of her x'bfs gave her. They went to a like chucky cheese thing and she was on a ride and he told he she was to fat for that her fat jiggled to much! This is just SOME of the stuff that has happend! Her mother can not stand him she is no longer friends with a girl that was like her sister because he does not like her! She would come over to my house almost EVERYDAY and spend the night atleast once everyother week now im lucky if she even txt me! When she brakes up with him she tells her friends O I never loved him make sure I NEVER go back to him...a day later she is with him! The BIG red flag she is defending him! IMO He seems to already show signs on emotional abuse and he is SOO controlling!!! She can not go somewhere with out him txt or calling her 298839578347859 times! She told him she was going to watch a movie with her mom and her mom said he txted her SO many times her mom finally told her to turn the movie off! he tells her she needs NEW friends..that her family cant be her friends. Well about a month ago I got online and on a thing called mocospace.com on her profile it said "herusername is hurting so bad..just want to go away and never come back..maybe he was right I should just kill myself" Well her being not only my cousin but best friend! I txted her and was like Hey whatcha doing...well she said Nothing me and Greg are hanging out!!! Not let me add this! It said that comment was added 10hrs ago! SOOOO!!!! I was like umm..So he don't want you to kill yourself anymore?! And she said O its not even like that....Well I did a screenshot of the page..and I told her mom the other day..now she is mad at me! Did I do the right thing?! Her mom is not only HEARING all the bad stuff she SEES it! Anyways...could you guys just let me know how you feel about this..Im going to let her read this..BE HONEST!

Thanks SOO much guys!

[RedLedbetter]

Sounds like this guy has her brainwashed. Tell her to ditch the loser because he obviously doesn't really care about her.

[TDCRacing]

I'd explain to her how you feel and why you feel the way you do in a way she can relate. And let things work them selvs out. Sounds like for the most part it is just crap everyone goes through at that age. You have made her parents aware about your concerns and that's all you can do.

[Quicklynx]

Relationship abuse is a big problem in the world. No offense to your cousin, but in my honest opinion most people that online date are people that struggle to find a relationship in their normal daily life.

You are right. The guy does have serious emotional abuse.

From experience when I first started dating I was kind of controlling. This day and age it's very hard to handle emotions in a hormone raged life. I say that because you always see 13 and 14 year old girls screaming at their parents "I Love Him!!!!" when their parents try to keep them from seeing the boy they admire.

Men, generally at a high school age range, tend to be controlling because they can't handle emotions at that age. They are very paranoid about how to handle a relationship. Women are this way too. I thought my first girlfriend was going to be my wife the day I started dating her, but when you're young you always think they are going to cheat on you and what not. With all the love/breakup stories and MTV drama filled relationships on T.V. we try to recreate it, even the controlling, possessive, sexual, drama ways of it. Since it's on T.V. and you see the "stories" we think the same exact things are happening to us. I tried to re-enact it all and so did my girlfriends.

The thing is I matured, and most people do once they start hitting their college era, but some people don't. It's nothing documented or studied by myself, simply a personal opinion upon my own observations, but thinking off the top of my head most guys I've known that end up controlling and possessive in their early 20's are the ones that were relationship deprived in their teen years. I think this results in them fearing that they will never get someone again so the one they have they gain even more emotionally attached too in the wrong passion. See what I'm getting to? When you're a teen that has several relationships in the time frame, you get a feeling like "it's okay to break up because there are other fish in the water." Everything you learn when young gets dialed into the rest of your life. It's like you tune for your life at your young ages. Basically I fear right now this guy is "dialed in" to the controlling possessive atmosphere because he didn't "fine tune" the experience years ago. He's throwing codes left and right and it's gonna take therapist tuner to fix em.

In a high school relationship you can just wait it out. The odds are against the couple. They will likely break up due to cheating or because they go off to separate colleges. Getting that first bad relationship off your chest can mean a lot.

In this case I fear this relationship will only escalate into more of a hazard. Her life will be miserable because her life will revolve around his and only his rules. His life will be miserable because he will always be paranoid about her and can be very stressful thinking about it.

Easier said than done, and it's hard to say that as a friend you should step in, but sometimes (most of the time) it makes matters worse.

Even if he beats her it's ridiculous the way this system works. Unless "she" presses charges the guy will never get in trouble for domestic abuse. If she is scared of him she will put up with it.

I learned from my past relationships and it's made the one I'm in now amazing. I realize that my life isn't a T.V. screen. I do, however, kiss my girlfriend as if it were a love scene in a movie.

I'm just ranting now, ask some questions and I'll clarify or continue what I was saying.

[blueguy]

Wow, that dude is a joke. MOVE ON!! The good ol' quote always stands. There are always more fish in the sea and I'll be damned if there are still some of those "good guys" still out there...I know I am one...IMO, I've never cheated, always treat women with utmost respect, and would never hit a female either...contrary to popular belief we still exist and she needs to find a good guy. That is all

[crshoveride]

i think you did the right thing. i woulda done the same thing. i'll try to offer the best advice i can. the guy is very controlling and won't allow her to live her life. now i can understand wanting to know what she's doing but that's just taking it way too far. like it's fine if he's like what are you going to do tonight and she say just hang out with my friends and leave it at that. but he can't do that. he wants her to have new friends. maybe he was in a really bad relationship and it's affected him to the point he's like he is now. i don't know. i'm not trying to stick up for him. i think he's a piece of garbage. maybe what needs to be done is you and your family need to sit her down and let it all hang out let her know this is a very unhealthy relationship. there are better people out there for her. like bluegtp91 there are still good guys out there. hope what i've said helps out.

[Dave53]

Tell her to leave the dirtbag. NO woman needs to put up with that abuse....and yes, it IS abuse. Personally, I'd tell him that if he ever touched her again, his next car will need to be wheelchair accessable.

[SyntheticShield]

Paragraph much?

I agree with the others. What he is doing is classic when it comes to abuse cases. Divide and conquer. Get in between her and the family and friends, isolate her and convince here he is the only one that understands and cares.

Its time to end this now before it gets really really out of control. There is not really any good that can come of this. She sounds like he has low self-esteem issues which would make relationships hard and that in turn leaves her vulnerable to this type of person. This is the kind of situation I would seriously consider some type of intervention.

[WhiteDevil]

Sounds like my sisters relationship, the guy just needs to be thumped a few times, in the head.

[JoshMcMadMac]

You know her better than we do. The goal is to get her separated from the douche...you need to determine the best way to do that. Can you simply tell her that he is an asshole and that she is a dumbass from being with him? If so, great. Most teenagers do not take will to that. So, it turns into a "mind game" of guided-discovery for her. You will probably have to find the best way to engage her in conversations that gently lead her down the path of her realizing he is worthless to her. She will be ok with this, because she figured it out on her own...even though you know better.

[BwolfGT]

The guy sounds like a douche, one of my close friends was recently in a relationship with an asshole like that, and it wasn't until she finally got the courage to dump the loser that she realized how miserable she'd been the whole relationship.

[SlowM90]

Well Im glad you guys see it what EVERYONE else does! I have talked to her so many times!!! So far its been like 4days and they havent got back together. She told me today that she does love him but she is sick of being stressed out and not happy. BUT She keeps defending him...and she let slip out that he was getting a apartment for THEM. Im VERY vocal person so believe me! She hears EVERYDAY how I feel. I know its hard to walk away from someone you care about! And as far as the internet thing..she dated a guy for 3yrs...she wasent away from him for 3 months and she met this guy! She told me it reminded her of her x..now she says thats not why she got with him! I dunno! Its just SOOO much!!! Im taking her outta state tonight I got us a room and tomorrow we are going to a spa...maybe it will help her chill...she has had BAD BAD BAD depression in the past and I can tell she is slipping back into it!!! But thank you guys SOOO much for everything you have said! Im going to let her read everything to try to make her see EVERYONE sees how wrong she is treated! Again! Thanks guys!!

[SlowM90]

You know her better than we do. The goal is to get her separated from the douche...you need to determine the best way to do that. Can you simply tell her that he is an asshole and that she is a dumbass from being with him? If so, great. Most teenagers do not take will to that. So, it turns into a "mind game" of guided-discovery for her. You will probably have to find the best way to engage her in conversations that gently lead her down the path of her realizing he is worthless to her. She will be ok with this, because she figured it out on her own...even though you know better.

Ya, She ALWAYS has came to me for advice..dunno for my age im pretty wise . Im VERY VERY VERY blunt! But I always tell her!! "If you love him GREAT! I want you to be happy, you and him need to work on things" I have never told her OMG you need to leave him!! One BIG reason her parents havent put there foot down is they are worried she will move in with him..you know he will play the whole "Your parents dont like me we will never be happy move with me im the only one who loves you" But! I have just been praying and I hope she does the right thing....

[FoSHO99]

Where does the doosh live? I wouldn't necessarily hurt him, just maybe show up at his door, get on my knees and when he opens the door I would punch him square in the balls. Hard enough that he may not have kids though.

The best thing you can do is keep her uplifted and away from him. Maybe set up a couple dates or girls nights and show her what its like without him. Either way, get it through her head that there are more guys out there to fall in "love" with.

Most likely she was a virgin before she met him and never really went out with guys, but when she met him online, it was easy because he had time to say all the right things and now she fell in "love" with the guy who popped her cherry. In all reality... lol

[speedemongtp]

You are doing the right thing Jess shes your cousin and you have every right to be worried about her and you have good reason to be and given the situation you mentioned i think it was best you told her mom about what she had posted on her webpage. her mom def needed to know.

And now my .02 tell her to leave him. that guys an A$$ an it seems like he doesnt give 2 sh*t$ about her. I personally would never treat a girl like that no matter what and dont have any respect for guys that do treat girls like that. Like others have said there are other fish in the sea and from the sound of it she def needs to jump off the boat back into the sea and find herself a new fish!

[Iron Indian]

Wow Jess, Wow.

I donno what to say about this situation, I really don't. Quicklynx had some good points though. Its sad, I hate to see her go through this (even though I don't know her) and I hate to hear about you worrying about a close friend/relative.

This is a very touchy subject, mainly because she is family and you don't want to break anything thats already there. I'd say sit back and let her learn from her mistake, but at the same time you don't want her to really end up killing herself or having a kid with this loser. Is this guy good looking or something? I'm picturing a guy that thinks he's all that, but he really ain't ****. I wonder if he cheats on her? If so, this relationship shouldn't exist at all. I don't condone cheating at all. I'll admit, i've been around alittle, tried out a few here and there. I NEVER have cheated though. If I feel the need to so that, I don't need to be with whomever i'm with period.

Question is, why are they together? Apparently he thinks shes fat, which I thought all women would take that a bad way and kill there BF if that was ever mentioned. I'm surprised shes even giving him any after that comment, she shouldn't! I wonder whats really there? What even makes them click when they do? Is she afriad she won't get another guy? Maybe he's hung like a horse and she can't leave because of that (i'm not joking, I'm being serious on this one. I knew a girl which was only a friend of mine who stayed with a dude for that reason, crazy considering she could of gotten ANY guy she wanted anyway)? I don't get it otherwise.

The only idea I would even begin to have or suggest which won't probably work since you got lives. If there was any way you and her could get out of town for a week or so, maybe a road trip somewhere. Throw her cell phone out the window, go where ever. See some sites and at night, hit some clubs, makes sure shes dressed to kill. Her looks should get some guys attention. Hopefully she can realize there are other guys out there interested all over and she doesn't need that looser back home. Maybe she thinks shes not good enough for anyone else?

If she was a little older and you guys lived closer, I know a great guy that needs to meet a good women. He's had a hectic life but he's cleaned up good. Now he needs to get fully back on his feet and meet the right/good women.

[Iron Indian]

Most likely she was a virgin before she met him and never really went out with guys, but when she met him online, it was easy because he had time to say all the right things and now she fell in "love" with the guy who popped her cherry. In all reality... lol

Very good point, could be possible. Women seem to get attached with there "first"...

[NaturallySmashed]

i know you don't know me but....... telling her mom was the wrong move in my opinion.. now that's just extra stress she's going to have to deal with. her mom's probably going to be on her case even more now. also, there's absolutely no way she should stay with him. is she just scared to be alone again? maybe you should talk to her about how being single is great and her next boyfriend will come out of nowhere.

[SlowM90]

i know you don't know me but....... telling her mom was the wrong move in my opinion.. now that's just extra stress she's going to have to deal with. her mom's probably going to be on her case even more now. also, there's absolutely no way she should stay with him. is she just scared to be alone again? maybe you should talk to her about how being single is great and her next boyfriend will come out of nowhere.

Her mom is not on her case...And no he was not her first. Last night I think I actually got threw to her!!! He called her and was like "Im going to kill myself I cant handle this blah blah blah" I told her he is just saying that and if he does kill himself he had WAY more problems then YOU! I was in a relationship kinda the same..so she knows I know what im talkin about!!! I told her to me it aseems like he knows he can have her whenever and however! He kept yelling at her telling her she was SO mean to him and hurts him so bad! And she stood up and was like Well why do you wanna be with me?!?!!? Then he went to the whole killing himself. She hung up on him and didn't return his calls..after abotu a hour of him calling her she answered andthen it went from him going to kill himself to he loves her he just wants her in his life. Itold her if its ment to be yall will be! Just STOP talkin to him he has to relize he can not treat you this way! So the last time she has talked to him was at 9pm. Its almost 12pm now...And she SWORE to me she would tell me if she did talk to him. I REALLLLLLLLY hope this got threw to her!!!! Im just going to pray it did!!!!!!

[FoSHO99]

Her mom is not on her case...And no he was not her first. Last night I think I actually got threw to her!!! He called her and was like "Im going to kill myself I cant handle this blah blah blah" I told her he is just saying that and if he does kill himself he had WAY more problems then YOU! I was in a relationship kinda the same..so she knows I know what im talkin about!!! I told her to me it aseems like he knows he can have her whenever and however! He kept yelling at her telling her she was SO mean to him and hurts him so bad! And she stood up and was like Well why do you wanna be with me?!?!!? Then he went to the whole killing himself. She hung up on him and didn't return his calls..after abotu a hour of him calling her she answered andthen it went from him going to kill himself to he loves her he just wants her in his life. Itold her if its ment to be yall will be! Just STOP talkin to him he has to relize he can not treat you this way! So the last time she has talked to him was at 9pm. Its almost 12pm now...And she SWORE to me she would tell me if she did talk to him. I REALLLLLLLLY hope this got threw to her!!!! Im just going to pray it did!!!!!!

Good Job! I have a friend who gets really into his woman, controlling and just obsessive. Almost every breakup he's had has ended with them getting a restraining order on him and him on suicide watch for a week. You just get used to it and hope you never end up like that! lol